Feel like your heart’s been stomped on by a pair of sturdy Doc Martens?
It might be time to work with a Heartbreak Coach
I’m your go-to girl when it comes to your heartbreak. I’m here to give you a great big virtual hug, take your brokenhearted (yet amazing) self by the hand and show you that your life is not over.
But then, your world falls apart when you realise the horse that he’s been riding is borrowed, and the castle he lives in is really a house of cards. Yes, you have fallen victim to the Prince Charming fraud, aka a “Toad in Prince Charming’s clothing”. Tired from the game, losing faith in true-loves kisses, you hang up your glass slippers before falling into a heap of mascara-stained, pinot grigio-drinking bleakness… a pit of despair from which you are sure you will never come out of.
I’ve said it before: breakups are a major cause of temporary insanity. But how do you know if you need to hire a heartbreak coach? (After all, if you’re suffering from temporary insanity you may not trust your judgment right now.)
The following list will help you figure it out.
You may need a heartbreak coach if…
It’s crazy where our minds go. Was it the fact that you didn’t like the Grand Prix? Or that you didn’t wear your make-up the way he wanted you to? And if you haven’t tortured yourself enough and need to find more reasons to freak out, your thoughts go to the other woman (if there was one), and how much more incredible she must be than you, because she was able to take him away.
Yes, we’ve all done it. (And if you say you haven’t, remember that Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.) The accidental-on-purpose bump-in is a tricky skill. You want to put yourself in their path, but you don’t want them to know that you set it up beforehand.
Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn have become mechanisms you might be using to track his every move like an undercover agent. You’re glued to your computer screen for fear he might be moving on from you.
Is your best friend concerned about getting fired because she spends half her day texting you? Immediately post breakup, OF COURSE you have to talk it out. But if after a couple of months, you’re still talking about it – to friends, to relatives, to other guys, to the Uber Eats delivery guy – it means you’re not over him.
For many of us, deleting his number is the safest option. But you might have already memorised it, which kind of defeats the object. Let’s be honest, how many times have you written out a lengthy, heartfelt text… only to delete it later. Or worse still… message it to him in a moment of haste?
You’re thinking about timing. It seems that EVERYONE else is getting married and starting families and you’ve been left behind.
At times it can seem as if the single season of life is going to go on forever and ever. Believe me, I know this. I’ve seen person after person on my Instagram feed post photos of their kids going off to school, taking dance lessons and playing a tooth in the school play. Some of my friends have kids going to secondary school when I have yet to start my own family. So, I appreciate loneliness in its purest form.
You really want to feel secure, safe, happy and connected, but secretly question whether you are worthy.
I’m your go-to girl when it comes to your heartbreak. I’m here to give you a great big virtual hug, take your brokenhearted (yet amazing) self by the hand and show you that your life is not over. You are loved. You are safe. And I promise it’s going to be (totally better) than okay.